the mama trail

I’ve had this post running around in my head for a long time now. I keep not writing it because by its very nature it is ever-evolving, and it can be hard sometimes for me to keep up with my own runaway thoughts. But what better time to spew out my thoughts than my daughter’s second birthday? (Course, by the time I actually post this her birthday will be way past…)

The last two years, well, really since I got pregnant, have brought the most exponential personal growth I have ever experienced, at least in my conscious memory. I have learned about parts of myself I never knew existed. I have confronted shortcomings, issues, and negative traits that I worked for decades to bury deep down. I have celebrated the immensity (and intensity) of love that I now know I am capable of giving. I have examined (and re-examined, and re-examined, ad nauseum) my deepest fears. I have been bored, stressed, giddy with pride, awed, stumped, frustrated, thrilled, excited, peaceful, calm, patient, aggravated…sometimes all within 5 minutes. I have gone from feeling confused, desperate, and lost to confident and centered over the course of just a day or two.

I know that I parent way outside the mainstream, much like I live the rest of my life. I say that not with an air of superiority, because I truly don’t believe that any one method is inherently “more right” than another, but unapologetically nonetheless. Living/parenting outside of the mainstream is not a way to thumb my nose at the rest of the world; it is what feels the most natural to me. But that which is the most natural (that is, that which is truly in line with human nature and our natural world) is often confused with that which is within our societal norms. Sadly, these two things are often in stark contrast with each other.

Of course we are always learning and growing and changing and becoming throughout our lives. Sometimes those changes are subtle, and sometimes we unfortunately can get kind of stuck in feeling that “I am who I am” rather than opening up to the possibilities. I do not believe that having a child throws the door to change and growth wide open and allows us to easily walk through (although at times we may be starkly confronted with our own demons). I do believe that having a child sends us a very loud message that we can either willingly walk through that door, or remain stuck in struggle, power plays, and societally-induced belief patterns. Remaining stuck (I often think of the phrase, “digging in my heels”) can seem justifiable (eg: this is how my parents did it, or this is how my friend is raising her child), or more often is simply a default reaction stemming from what we see around us and how we were programmed to think as we grew up. Stepping outside of that, examining my thoughts about human nature and what feels good, has led me down a path of both eye- and heart-opening. I find myself constantly striving for peaceful, loving ways to flow through life with my daughter and my husband, and more often than not, we do flow together.

I believe this little child, in all her glory, was brought in to my life for many reasons, not the least of which is to help me grow in to the person I am capable of becoming. Our paths must be parallel paths, because in many ways I feel like a spiritual toddler.

I take inspiration from parenting books like Unconditional Parenting, the website Enjoy Parenting, and Taoism. I love the way we are drawn to things (and people) who share our basic philosophies, yet have a way of putting it in to words when we may be unsure how to explain it ourselves. Some of the best advice I was given about parenting was to read the books that support my views. That sounds closed-minded, but I have read some books that did not fit in to my world view and they really just left me with either shaken confidence or sadness and hopelessness, rather than a balanced perspective. I already have enough internal things to make me doubt myself!

I hear all the time that our kids are like tiny mirrors, reflecting back to us both the good and the bad within us. It is so true, but it isn’t an exact reflection. It is more of an impressionistic painting that needs some interpretation. And of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so some of the things that others may see as negative qualities are reinterpreted when seen through the eyes of love.

One of the most interesting things I am currently exploring is true unconditional love. Unconditional love comes easily and naturally for me towards McKenna, but loving myself and my husband unconditionally (or any other adult for that matter) is more difficult for some reason.

There are many other “interesting” parts of me that I’ve been exploring and learning more about. Some are a little too esoteric and personal to publish on a blog, some are just still too misunderstood (by me) to go in to just yet.

I am so grateful for this opportunity to become the person I am becoming. Motherhood has broken me open on so many levels, there is no turning back now. I only hope that I can continue to rise to the opportunity and be the person and mother and wife that I want to be (and that my family wants me to be!).

To be continued…forever?

The first ever Snowbowl Uphill Run was held last Sunday, put on by Team Run Flagstaff, and I am proud to have been a part of the event. The race began with a 1st mile challenge: the first male and female to get to the 1-mile marker (and then finish the race) won $50. I believe that payout was thanks to Fratelli’s. Sara Wagner handily took that race-within-the-race. I honestly couldn’t believe how fast she ran that first mile! My goal was to hold back in the first couple miles because I have such a tendency to be a jackrabbit and then blow to the moon half way through. I feel like I did a really good job of pacing myself. After about 2 miles I passed a couple guys, which never happens for me. At about mile 4, Paul Brinkman caught me. That guy is a truly impressive athlete. At over 50 years old, he can throw down with the best of them, and he always finds a way to get faster as the race goes on, be it a triathlon, run race, road race, anything. I stayed with him for a little bit, but I needed to use the 2nd aid station and he kept on blazing, eventually putting 1:20 on me by the top.

At mile 6, Mama Burger was set up for the burger challenge. The challenge was this: the first male and female to finish a burger and complete the race won $100. Sara had a big enough lead on me that she decided to go for it. Unfortunately for her, about half way through her burger I came around the corner. She scarfed a few more bites, trying to get the whole thing down, but chose to abort mission and dashed back on to the course in front of me with a mouthful of burger. I saw her spitting out burger and set my intention to take advantage of her full belly with my best last mile push. Alas, the calories, the break from running, or just her superior running ability and she crossed the finish line 37 seconds ahead of me.

Not only was there a payout for the first mile and the burger challenge, but also for the top 3 men and women. Equal pay all the way around for men and women! What a fantastic addition to the race. Plus, the race packet had awesome schwag: a beer glass (courtesy of Pay n Take of course) and a bunch of samples of Lara Bars, which are gluten free! A hard race, great prizes, and really great fun.

I felt really good in the race, with the exception of my calves. From about mile 3 my calves were absolutely on fire. I have never noticed my calves while running before. It has always been quad, hamstring, heart and lungs. Something about running uphill on the pavement and my calves were by far my biggest limiter. Monday I was totally hobbled, and today (Tuesday) I’m still hurting although getting better. It definitely opened my eyes to the number one thing I need to work on before Imogene.

How quickly a month passes…

Had a couple big “lessons from the universe” yesterday. McKenna was wiping her food-covered hands on to her legs rather than on to the towel I had just handed her, and I got really irritated and said, “You’re so messy!” I lifted the tray off her high chair, turned to put it in the sink, and instantly knocked over a full glass of water. Glass and water were everywhere, and I got a big bruise on my ankle where it landed on me. Who is messy now? Lesson from the universe # 492: We are all doing the very best that we can. Lesson from the universe # 268: Life is messy.

We had such a fun 4th of July weekend. We camped in our pop-up camper

just outside the Nature Conservancy grounds in Hart Prairie. I rode rad trails I never knew existed, attempted to run straight up Hart Prairie (sans trail) and then up the Humphreys trail to the top of the mountain (totally didn’t happen, got as far as the forest sign-in, then bailed back down to formulate Plan B…still got in over 10 miles though when all was said and done), played with McKenna in the woods, met nice people, and had an all around beautiful weekend. Camping with McKenna

is about 1000 times more fun this year than it was last year, when she couldn’t walk yet and spent her time making face-down dirt angels. She still enjoys a good dirt bath,

but now she also loves exploring the rocks, trees, bugs, butterflies, birds, flowers, grasses, horny toads, sticks… Her enthusiasm is contagious. Some of the folks at TNC commented that they loved hearing the pitter-patter of her feet as she ran around in the mornings. I love it too.

I haven’t gotten over to see how vast the fire damage is yet. I’m hoping to get over thataway in the coming weeks. From what I hear though, it is not nearly as bad as we had feared it could become. Time will tell.

Have I mentioned how much I love summertime? After-dinner walks, bike commuting in the evening to track practice, wearing shorts and t-shirts after dark, crisp mornings, grilling on the patio, and long days. Ahhhhh…

…your child goes to sleep and you stay up to look at pictures of her.

playing with Alden at his 3rd birthday party:

leading the way up the ladder:

Well, my second 10k-prep-for-Imogene-race is in the books and this time I actually came up with the big “W”. No, that doesn’t stand for “walk” or “wuss out” or “what in the world am I doing out here?”, but for “Win!”

This is the same course that I ran last year when I placed 2nd behind Sara. This year, Sara was not at the race, and neither was Erin (the 2nd place finisher from the race 2 weeks ago), but Michelle was. Last year Michelle was pushing me to run faster the whole race, and run I did! This year, without having someone in front of me, nor someone on my heels, I actually ran 40 seconds slower than I did last year. Bummer. Could also have been because it was about 190 degrees out and I was feeling thirsty from the gun. I felt awesome during the first half, then started having those evil why-don’t-I-just-do-the-5k thoughts. I kept it together pretty well though, and finished feeling proud.

Regardless, the NACA Prayer Run is truly a special event. Not only does it have a beautiful philosophy (please do read the history in the link above) but they always award the most beautiful prizes to the top finishers. Last year I got a hand-made decorative basket, this year as the overall female winner I was given an enviably unique sand painting. This year I think there were ~500. Although the races in Flagstaff always have a lot of Native American racers, this race in particular draws in large numbers of Native Americans.

I was also so happy to see so many Stroller Strides mamas out there. I think we had at least 5 others besides me, and all did outstanding. So impressive to see these ladies taking their fitness to the next level, challenging themselves, and rising to the challenge. Most even ran it together in a show of great camaraderie. Beth was out there supporting everyone, including her husband Tom, which is of great note because that night she birthed her second baby! Seeing her that day I had no idea that in less than 15 hours she would be done laboring and have a newborn in her arms. Wow. My 45 min of racing was nothing compared to what she had planned for later in the day!

I just got this from Flagstaff Biking Organization:

Deadline Extended!! Please Comment on the Walnut Canyon Study!

…and go here to submit your own comments!
Comment deadline is July 26th, 2010!!

Here is the message that I sent:
To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your time,
Dara Marks Marino

If you feel inspired, please, have your voice heard too!